It is nothing new to say that the internet is a major distraction. But I’m particularly amazed at how well-intentioned online searches lead to bottom-feeder-celebrity-gossip trolling. How does a quick writing break to check the news end in mindlessly clicking through the best-dressed list at Cannes? I’ve got a theory: procrastination requires a certain level of mindless surfing. Our initial news hits don’t satisfy the urge, so we are forced to go deeper and deeper into the internet until we hit the ‘zone out’ level. Here’s how it happens:
Stage One: Most procrastination stints start out in earnest. Al-Jazeera, New York Times, Democracy Now, Washington Post, Guardian headlines are scoured, we catch up on what’s going on in the news. We feel virtuous because we are in fact multi tasking, and learning about the world, not procrastinating. Stage two: From here, there are easy distractions, like “most emailed” articles (that might include an interesting op ed, personal news about a particular politician etc). Next thing you know, you are on the Huffington Post trying to read more about Tony Abbot and what an idiot he is. The Huffington Post is like a vortex that takes you from news to gossip in .5 seconds. Massive headlines about Putin’s abs or Hilary Clinton’s pantsuits suck you in with supersonic force. Stage Three: The article on Putin’s abs takes you to websites you would never admit to visiting during the workday. No, I don’t mean porn. I mean People.com. Yes, you are on People.com reading about Putin’s abs….and now its time to get to Stage Four: pure celebrity gossip. At least the Putin article had some political relevance…sort of. From here you are one click away from learning about Jenny McCarthy’s wedding ring (she got a sapphire, not a blood diamond…doesn’t that knowledge count as political?…shit, how do I know Jenny McCarthy has a sapphire engagement ring!!). And now you are here, at Stage Five– the guts of internet procrastination, reading about yet another season of the Bachelorette, looking at ‘who wore it better’, doing quizzes about what 90s rock star you would be, and reading your horoscope (FB is in another league of procrastination). Don’t worry, it happens to all of us.