We’re not so different, you and I. We both dislike Hillary. It doesn’t really matter that she was among key players in the Russian reset policy back in 2009, we really don’t trust her – just like you! We also like a strong leader. Our leader is much better at doing business than yours though.

You have a misogynist pig for a presidential candidate? We’ll take that and raise you a foreign minister who jokes about female journalists on their knees. Not to mention a former children’s ombudsman who thinks that after 27 women shrivel up, and that it’s ok for a teenager to be married off as a second wife to a man 30 years her senior. We might be a bit behind on anti-abortion legislation, but we’re working on it.

What about the whole homophobic thing? One of your running mates, as well as numerous senators and governors believe in gay-conversion therapy, adopt anti-gay legislation, and force people to use bathrooms corresponding to the sex specified on their birth certificate. And you’re criticizing me for some ‘harmless’ gay propaganda law? As Russian people say in this kind of situation, and who are you to tell me not to pick my nose (it’s a real expression, unlike the one about a hibernating bear)?

So we broke into the DNC, big deal. For starters, it could have been that 400-pound guy in his bedroom. Or the Chinese. But what were we supposed to do when you were giving State Department’s cookies left and right, trying to start a revolution in 2011-2012? It’s not like people would go protesting electoral fraud on their own. 

Yeah, and by the way, stop calling us a dictatorship, all right? We’re a far cry from Turkey. Not to mention Saudi Arabia. And we don’t have no Gitmo (we do like to occasionally whack terrorists on the toilet).

Is it because you’re mad at us for suspending the Plutonium deal? Well, you started first! You said that you’re just going to store it in New-Mexico but  you can still enrich it to weapons-grade. I just don’t believe you. For example, you promised not to enlarge NATO to the east and we trusted you! And now it’s in our Baltic backyard. Well, at least you didn’t get Georgia.

Ukraine. We knew you were going to throw it in our face! At least we didn’t go in and topple the whole regime like you did in Iraq? You didn’t think we’d remember that? We just have a little piece in the south-east for ourselves, not the whole country. The rest of the county are fascists anyway.

I admit, Syria’s a big problem. But we only started the airstrikes so you would start talking to us again!

I know we have issues, but why can’t we work them out? Just scale back NATO in Europe, repeal Magnitsky Act, roll back the sanctions, and reimburse the damage they caused our economy and we’ll go back to fighting ISIS together. Is this so hard?!