- That some of our soldiers publicly refer to your people in derogatory and racist language.
- That some of our soldiers shoot your unarmed civilians at random, defile their corpses, and cut off body parts to keep as trophies.
- That some of our soldiers killed the cousin of your head of state. We didn’t even know we were in the hometown of the President, how could we have known he was a Karzai? Oh, right.. we’re very sorry.
- That our helicopter pilots slaughtered your children while they are out collecting firewood. That argument we made about how using attack helicopters instead of fighter jets would prevent civilian casualties because the pilots could make a visual confirmation of militants … eh, err… we were wrong. Sorry about that too.
- That we had to completely raze your village to the ground. You understand that we had to destroy your village to save it, don’t you? Good luck getting that vineyard to grow back…
- That our jets killed over two dozen of your civilians driving in a convoy. It’s just we didn’t want to risk actually confirming that people in those three mini-buses were militants. We know we had apologized just nine days earlier for firing a rocket into a civilian home and killing 12 people including six children, but we’re making progress, we promise.
- That our DynCorp mercenaries are too busy with drugs and pedophilia to train your police force. (We’re not actually sorry about that one, we just hope you didn’t see the video).
- That we killed five of your uniformed soldiers with an air strike. Our spotters have trouble distinguishing between the good guys in uniform and the bad guys who don’t wear a uniform. It was 4 am, you understand don’t you?
- That we killed your police chief, prosecutor, and three unarmed women. Here have some sheep. Everything’s good now? Right?
- That some people in our country deliberately mock your Prophet and religion at a time when our troops are also on your soil so that they can feel smug about their racist prejudices when you react in anger. But you really shouldn’t be so sensitive, it’s just a cartoon. Oh, come on! Lighten up. Okay, okay… we’re sorry…
So, can we be friends?